Brian Mountjoy - LIFE ON THE DASH

25 PICTURES OF CHRISTMAS

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
It's the hap-happiest season of all.
Yea, yea, I know it may not be the most wonderful or hap-happiest for everyone, but it is a most unique time of the year, ornating itself with memories.
 
During this month of the year when little cherubs cross off the days of a calendar before Christmas, a valiant attempt will be made to add a picture each day before the Sharpie hits the December calendar paper. The images posted are those that will hopefully spring forth from my brain of Christmas past. They may connect with your Christmas past, or they may just leave you wondering, “What happened to you?”
 
It's the most wonderful time
It's the most wonderful time
It's the most wonderful time
It's the most wonderful time of the year.

TURKEYS

1. Shirt looks like part of the Othello game or neatly arranged Oreo cookies. Note left hand attempting to take plate from his mumsy.

2. A bold move made wearing the lavender aka purple jello tunic. Complete with the “Mr. T” line of bling, before bling became an actual word and before Laurence Tureaud became Mr. T.

3. Always an encouraging sign to have a drooling, nose-running, non-washed imp hovering around the meal, pawing and sneezing at all food products.

4. Same fishing nets used by Peter and John.

5. In a hurry to obtain last good slice of white meat. Eating for two, I think. Will actually use her outfit as picnic table cover in 2 months. Will also use #4 to make a hammock.

6. (Me). Look of anger as #5 has taken the last piece of edible turkey meat. Trying to grab collar of #3 to either shove under table or to remove from food product area. Thinks hairstyle looks good, but will later understand that being called “Little Dutch Boy” (#9) by his brother (#8) is not a compliment.

7. Why the brown 3-piece corduroy car seat cover suit would ever be acceptable is beyond my comprehension.

8. Brother that just took the best of the grub.

9. Logo/mascot for the Little Dutch Boy paint products.

 

Find your own family Thanksgiving picture. Try to explain.

 

ALL IS WELK

Welk. Lawrence Welk.

 For those that recall this “Maestro” from the picture or from the name, what thoughts come to your mind? What are your memories of this show, adequately named after, well, Lawrence? The Lawrence Welk Show.

For me, it brings back to mind two things:

1) A Person. His name was Harold. He was my grandfather. He watched this show religiously. The Lawrence Welk Show stirs up memories of sitting in the upstairs room with him (my grandfather, not Lawrence himself) as he watched this program. Stirs up memories of Thanksgiving at their house. This is good. (Do you have any shows that you recall watching with your grandparent(s)?)

Now for the other thing that The Lawrence Welk Show brings to my mind.

2) Visual and Audio Torture. When I was younger, and if I happened to be at their house on any given Sunday, at any time between the hour of 5pm to 6pm, the only sound that was allowed to be heard came from a television set. ABC. Channel 3. Lawrence Welk and his musical family of thousands. Words to describe my feelings at the time include: torture, cruel and unusual punishment, ridiculous, abominable, over-boring, nauseating. But I could not say a word, not a peep. Felt like he was the T-Rex from Jurassic Park and I was the child in freeze-mode, so as not to be devoured. This is not fun. (What show do you watch where you become a T-Rex?)

 

 

 

So many interesting and entertaining watchables:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ye3ecDYxOkg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0FLYMQOTX0&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4327HSXY56k
http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=Lkqczo9D5-o
http://www.hulu.com/watch/37752/saturday-night-live-the-lawrence-welk-show

POCKET

Listed below are several obvious items that would not be recommended to put in your pocket, front or back:
- toothpicks
- dinner knives
- a bunch of those little stickers that you step on all the time when you walk around barefoot in the summer.
- an X-Acto knife (look it up)
- a cheeseball

Listed below is one non-obvious item that would not be recommended to put in your pocket, front or back:
- a certain pack of gum (pictured).

After purchasing this breathalizer item at the grocery store check out line, I naturally placed the pack in my front left pocket, right after removing the clear plastic encasement.
Didn’t much think about it after that.

During the afternoon, my left leg started to ache, a slight chemical-type burn feeling, somewhat like those disposable hand warmers, but on steroids. The feeling was a combination of Icy Hot being applied to my leg with an iron. So, I removed all of the items in my left front pocket and made the successful transfer to the right pocket. After 10 minutes, the ache went away. But, about 20 minutes later the same ache returned to the right leg. A small, but powerful panic surged within my being. “What is wrong with me?!” “Food allergy?” “Bug bite?”

Eureka.

The snowboarder gum a la Shaun White, being rich in gum odor and unique ingredients, burned its deep heating strength from gum through gum wrapper through gum package through my left and right pocket to my left and right leg.

So, this is my caution to you. I now feel that I have served my country as a good citizen. You may also want to keep a few packs handy to give to your friends, because of your care for their bad breath, of course.