Brian Mountjoy - LIFE ON THE DASH

NAP GREMLINS

Before you even realize it, you have been stormed and overtaken.
Taken by the crafty and notorious Nap Gremlins.
 
You may try and ward them off, but to no avail, you will be fighting a losing battle.
For one man (pictured above), it was a “perfect storm” that had used all of the surrounding elements, in which the nap gremlins capitalized on with stealth.
The air-conditioned waiting room.
The lulling sound of the television resting on a mild-mannered Talk Show.
The variety of magazines to read from.
The verbal confirmation that he needed to wait for at least one hour.
 
No hope.
 
I saw the entire episode unfold before my eyes, or at least the results were seen. Either invisible or highly camouflaged, the Nap Gremlins clearly outmaneuvered and took control of yet another human (pictured below), with ease, and with a touch of savoir faire.
 
Think back. I am certain that at one point in your life, you have been ambushed by these creatures. Go ahead, close your eyes, try to remember.

THE UNBUTTONED MALE SHIRT

WARNING: The following content may contain graphic images that could be deemed hazardous.

 

 
When I was made aware of the news regarding the passing of Robin Gibb, my response was not, “Who is that?” but, lo, it was, “Oh, that’s sad, there is only one more left.”
 
My second response came to me via the VH-1 Pop-Up video bubble. It was the image of these brothers standing next to each other, the first image pictured below.
 
My third response was, “What were they thinking?”
The “they” in the sentence above meaning “any human man who wears a shirt with more than three buttons unbuttoned, especially those that have, well, a case of the Bee Gees.”
 
Was your Dad one of these men,
was your Grandfather one of these men,
were you one of these men,
flaunting your self-imposed powerful persona just like the bodybuilder flexing his muscles in a Mr. Olympia competition?

 

GARAGE DOOR OPENER

Mortified.
Petrified.
In shock.
 
That garage door opener.
 
It was in the back.
 
As a backseat passenger riding in the family car of a friend of mine, I accidentally, sort of, pressed the garage door opener that was snugly wedged next to the seat belt.
We were several miles away from their home, their home that had a garage, including the garage door.
Although I do not recall the exact conversation that ensued, I am still able to extract the important points of the limited dialogue.
 
Me: “Oh, Mr. Fox (the Dad driving), here is your garage door opener that is back here.”
The Dad: “Thanks Brian. You didn’t press it did you?!”
Me: “Yes I did.”
The Dad: “Oh no, the garage door will be open now and we are so far away. I hope nothing happens to all of the stuff in the garage.”
Me: (silence)
 
Mortified.
Petrified.
In shock.
 
And to this day,
anytime I am a passenger in the car of another,
and I see that garage door opener, usually clinging to the visor,
I always think to myself,
“If I press that button on that garage door opener, I wonder if the door will open?”

 

HANGING DIGESTION

A work of art.
Beautifully displayed with pride.
In your home above the fireplace,
or in your apartment,
or in your dorm.
 
Thoughts to Digest:
- As a guest, do you say anything about it or keep quiet?
- Do you hope the host mentions it?
- As a proud owner of your masterpiece, do you enjoy watching various guests squirm in their desire to ask?
- Have you ever had something “unusual” like this hanging around where you have once lived?
- Can you remember something memorable, besides the astonishing visual splendor of the
DIGESTIVE SYSTEM, that had once grabbed your attention when visiting someone else’s living area?

CATDOG

The picture you see at the top?
Yet again, another visual in front of my own eyes that launched a thousand ideas, questions and other visual thoughts.
What immediately happened to your inner cranium upon your glance of the visual?
As you read on, I believe, that with certainty, you can determine what creature is being alluded to or being talked about.
 
“That’s torture.”
“She’s pretending she’s not even there.”
“She just wants to play.”
“She is just being who she is.”
“She’s taunting her.”
“She’s pushing it.”
“She will never give up. That’s persistent.”
“She will never give up. She is so stupid.”
“Just be nice to her.”
“She is so simple. Will she ever get it?”
“So arrogant.”
“She is so happy and excited.”
 
Yes, the cat and dog jokes, stories, personality comparisons, etc. are numerous.
When I saw this occur a few days ago, I reacted two different ways.
First, it just made me laugh.
Second, I thought of a relationship between a guy and a girl. Not thinking of anyone in particular, but just the relationship in this sense: Here is this guy (dog) who is so excited, who is so enthralled, who is so infatuated with a girl at his school. Then there is the girl (cat) who just doesn’t care, or at least has the appearance of not caring at all.
 
Just a few things to ponder. 

 

 

DRIVE HAND

How do you hold the wheel?
 
There are many options on the hand placement upon the steering wheel while driving.
What do they communicate?
Is one option more comfortable than the other?
Will the “coolness” or “manliness” of one option override the comfort factor of another option?
Do women ever think about how placing their hands on the steering wheel communicate anything?
Is steering wheel hand placement a genetic trait or a learned behavior?
Does your steering wheel hand placement depend on your mood?
Are you always a “10 & 2” person?
Is the type of car you drive part of the determining factor as to your steering wheel hand placement?
Is the speed at which you are traveling a factor?
If driving by a policeman, does the steering wheel hand placement change?
Has anyone ever told you, “Put both hands on the wheel!”?
 
Drive on. Drive on.

DENTIST vs. JEWELRY

The dentist office vs. the jewelry store.

 At one place, those that usually enter have an air of excitement, are often googly-eyed (having eyes that are very open or staring because of amazement, admiration, etc.), and are in a state of dreamland.
At the other place, those that usually enter have an air of dismay, are often panic-eyed, and are in a state of terror.
At one place, most times those that enter, leave with nothing.
At the other place, most times those that enter, leave with something.
 
For my many visits, I have left with a gift. A free gift.
And if I add up the total value of all of these gifts over the years of my life, I am certain that the total value tops $4.23.

Try to rememeber a few of your glorious gifts, not including the classic toothbrush.

 

 

 

EASTER EGG SURPRISE

A week before Easter Day of this year, I was outside on the cell phone.

I am the classic “cell phone pacer talker”, going back and forth, often times circling an area. Looking down is my point of focus, rather than looking around. I find that my ability to concentrate with the person on the other end dramatically increases in parallel with my ground focus.

Until something caught my eye.

It was a plastic Easter egg wedged around an area with shrubs and potted plants. It was a plastic Easter egg that was not for this year, as in 2012, but from a year ago. Maybe longer, but my best guesstimate was 2011. The egg had weathered the storm over the past almost 365 days.

So, I reached for the egg, and to my excitement and surprise, there was something in the egg. This was realized by a simple shake. Just what would hatch from this treasure I had found? Gold bouillon? Cash? Chocolate? A secret note?

Regardless of age, are we not all excited to see what’s inside?

So, I opened it. I was surprised. It was good.

BUZZED

How do you react?
 
How do you react when you are driving your vehicle and you suddenly realize there is an unwanted bug, a flying bug, going on the ride with you? Whether it arrived on the scene before you got in the vehicle, or whether it snuck in at the point when you entered the vehicle, or whether it joined your ride via the window, well, doesn’t matter. What matters is that it has indeed arrived.

You encounter the wasp. Knowing you and your inner-workings, do you:
Swerve? Scream? Waive arms frantically? Throw things? Slam on brakes? Pull over? Roll the window down? Smash with hand? Other?

You encounter the bee. Knowing you and your inner-workings, do you:
Swerve? Scream? Waive arms frantically? Throw things? Slam on brakes? Pull over? Roll the window down? Smash with hand? Other?

You encounter the fly. Knowing you and your inner-workings, do you:
Swerve? Scream? Waive arms frantically? Throw things? Slam on brakes? Pull over? Roll the window down? Smash with hand? Other?

You encounter the flying roach. Knowing you and your inner-workings, do you:
Swerve? Scream? Waive arms frantically? Throw things? Slam on brakes? Pull over? Roll the window down? Smash with hand? Other?

You encounter the mosquito. Knowing you and your inner-workings, do you:
Swerve? Scream? Waive arms frantically? Throw things? Slam on brakes? Pull over? Roll the window down? Smash with hand? Other?

My most recent encounter was that of the mosquito. We battled. The remains are still evident on the inside of my windshield. There are other battles where I reacted differently, with different results.
 
How do you react?

"WHAT DID I STEP ON?"

Some say, “What did I step on?”
Others say, “What did I step in?”

Sometimes this statement may end in a question mark, other times it may end in an exclamation mark.

Each has accumulated their own unique list, usually coming from experience.
On that list? Probably one thing that they will never forget. A story ready to be told at any given moment. And these are always excellent times of true storytelling. Nails. Smelly things. Rat trap.
 
One story that I always recollect comes from the covered foot of a relative, my very own mother. It was gruesome. I was just a young lad. Just take a look at the various pictures. One of these pictures contains 3 green things. She stepped on one of them. When I say stepped, I mean crushed. But for our family, we only started with 1, so, no more in our household.
 
Watch your step.
 
Share your story with another.